...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
