I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
