so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
