please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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