Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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