I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
can u get pink eye on your cock?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
