Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
There's always time for handjobs
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
