my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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