She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
