I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
