She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Say something about gay babies.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
