I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
