we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
