My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
