just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
