Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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