he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
