I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
