Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
