Someone shit on the floor
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
