I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I currently don't understand fingers.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
