Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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