I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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