I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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