i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
