not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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