i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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