Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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