the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
