I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize