If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
