my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
