she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
