Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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