She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Randomize
