I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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