this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize