i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
