what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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