If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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