i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
