you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
