Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize