Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
