Ketchup is God's man juice
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
