You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
