i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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