My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
