I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize