If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
