there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I deserve this hangover.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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