News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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