I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
