We're like a lot better than the average bears
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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