that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
