We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
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