Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
