i will never coherently bang her
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
