Yo dont text me then not text me
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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