I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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