Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
