when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
