apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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