Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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